You might’ve just read the title of this post and thought, “Successfully vulnerable? She’s gotta be kidding.” But, I can assure you, while I’m pretty sarcastic with my humor, I’m totally serious about this concept. C’mon! Aren’t you just a little curious?
Recently, when I wake up while the house is still quiet or I’m laying in bed before my meds knock me out, I have been listening to TED talks. Honestly, it’s a habit that I’m not sure why it started. My husband was really into them a year or two ago and I would try to just tune it out. Maybe, it’s because I’m running out of CV19 entertainment or because I’m looking for insight and perspective… either way, I’ve run across some pretty great ones. In particular, the one I’m sharing with you all today, featuring researcher/storyteller, Brené Brown.
First off, let me say- everyone wants their readers to blog to read fun content. But, sometimes it’s necessary to broaden your topic and find more depth in the story you’re telling. Color in more of the picture you’re painting of yourself. Given current world conditions and the emotions they can evoke- the emotions that I’m feeling more of lately- it seemed appropriate to post something relatable and relevant. Dare I say solemn?
I have struggled (and still do) with self-esteem and insecurity issues, as well as being an extroverted introvert. It’s messes with my human connections and relationships, as well as my mind and how I view my ability to be considered and loved. As you will see in the video, this is basically referred to as feeling a lack of worthiness.
While I suffer from bipolar disorder as well as anxiety (not to mention PMDD), COVID 19 has, at times, exacerbated my emotional state. Regardless of my status involving medication stability or visits with my therapist. Don’t get me wrong, though. There have been moments during this pandemic crisis that I have been extremely grateful. Especially for the safety of my family, and the higher level of togetherness we’ve achieved. However, “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”.
The opposite, in my case, is having my short span of happiness or thankfulness replaced with phases of sorrow, longing, or angst. At times, I have felt as if I’m morning the loss of the life that was before Coronavirus. And I thought some of you might be feeling that too; in big ways or small.
Or maybe you haven’t been tossing and turning at night wondering if you’ll make it through this weird period of time. Have you enjoyed the slow down? The time to reconnect? But, maybe you’ve dealt with feelings involving your inadequacy, or heartbreak, shame…etc, because of some other reason. Perhaps, at times, it feels like it’s catching up with you.
A point I really appreciate from this talk is that life is messy. Spontaneity and fragility are a part of it. A lot of times they are the part we try to get rid of and hide away because they feel “bad” or make us anxious/uncomfortable. But, we fail to realize that we can’t shut out the bad without shutting out the good. And what consequences does it have for us to numb these parts of ourselves? Does it affect how you love and let others love you? Does it have a bearing on what kind of friend you are? The way you parent? The way you LIVE?
I don’t know about any of you, but it’s been incredibly hard for me to ask for any kind of help or encouragement when I have feelings like this. I feel embarrassment when it doesn’t seem like I “have it together”. If you’re anything like me, you probably want to have your life fit into a neat little package where everything is taken care of and no variables come into play. Unfortunately, (and with the help of a therapist), I’ve realized that that’s unrealistic. But, it doesn’t make the desire stop. Are you trying to fight these feelings alone?
If you have ever felt rejected, excluded, embarrassment about who you are, fear about who you should be, the need for affection and tenderness from those around you without knowing how to express that need, feeling like you don’t deserve a particular relationship or that you aren’t enough, lack of compassion…etc., then this talk might be for you.
We’re only human. We can only do the best we can with what we have. A lot of times that might mean exposing who we are on the inside, showing up unguarded, and finding/accepting the comfort and closeness we are worthy of. I’m working on this in my own life. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m learning.
I hope this finds you well. And I hope you know, you’re not alone.